Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
