I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
