I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
