my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
