I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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