walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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