she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
