I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
