these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the day after is always just damage control
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
