Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Never joke about your clitoris.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
