he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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