Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
