Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
