Say something about gay babies.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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