my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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