dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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