The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
