i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
