I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
