I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
