I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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