I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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