It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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