My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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