Apparently you make a good broom.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
