Your mouth is God's brothel.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
