just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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