The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
