It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
