I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
