sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
