So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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