You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
