I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Duck Duck Cougar?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
