Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
