Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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