tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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