You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
