I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
