I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
