he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
