if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
