a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
