I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
