swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Im part way to drunk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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