every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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