Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
