Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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