tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
