I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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