I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
