he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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